LDMer Testimony:

Victory Over Homosexuality

More than twenty years of being a Christian (some of them in full-time ministry), good Bible-based focus on Christian growth – with God's help I should be able to kick this.

My secret struggle with homosexuality was sucking the spiritual life out of me and I could feel my hope fading of ever being free from it. I had enough knowledge (and now experience) to see that addictive behavior only increases in intensity and activity toward it's end goal of destruction. "The wages of sin is death."

How did I let myself get to such a place of despair and guilt? The guilt of betraying my precious wife, she still had no idea of what was going on. The guilt of failing to be a moral leader to my children. I began to wonder where and how it would all end. I had so much pain and regret in my heart and wondered at what point that pain would be spread to my family members. But still my secret life continued. Early on I felt that I could stop anytime I wanted to. But by now it was obvious that I was helpless to win this fight. I can't count the loops of brokenness, repentance, and asking forgiveness from God, only to fail again.

My embarrassment and pride kept me from letting anyone know what was going on. I just couldn't cross that line of admitting to someone that I was less than this "good guy, respectable, mature Christian leader" image that I had of myself.

And why me God? I've always known homosexuality was wrong. I didn't ask to have these desires. Where did they come from? As a young boy I can remember having some degree of fascination with men as well as women. My father was fairly detached from me, and a person I had lost respect for. I'm sure this had some influence on me. There was some brief experimenting with childhood friends through adolescence, but for the most part the struggle was contained to my thought life.

My Christian conversion a year out of high school was very meaningful and life changing. I was on a path of growing in my faith at a rapid pace and enjoyed the abundant life I was now experiencing. God's interests and values were becoming more of my own. Life was good and the struggle was fairly subdued.

I met and fell in love with a precious godly woman who loved the Lord and enjoyed serving Him. We married, and the thrill of loving someone and her loving me was something I thought would settle the issue with my struggle once and for all.

A couple of years after my marriage, I was in a public restroom, with no ulterior motives, when I was exposed to a situation that took me by surprise. What also surprised me was how much I liked what I saw. That incident started me on a slow journey of feeding that thrill I felt inside. It was a gradual process over many years, slowly upping the ante in what activities I got involved in. I was bucking against so much personal conviction of right and wrong, but slowly giving in just a little more as time went on.

I came to a place of desperation where I could tell that my faith and my hidden life couldn't coexist, eventually only one would remain. I was getting less sensitive to God and caring less and less about what He cares about. This realization scared me. My walk with God had been the most important and most fulfilling thing in my life for so many years. I had to finally choose which it would be. The only step I felt would help me was to confide in someone else. Someone with the maturity to help me, who I could finally be honest with. Something I hadn't felt able to do before. My church was just starting a group with a focus on dealing with personal issues. I mustered up all my courage and decided to go check it out. Encouraged at how frank some of the others were being, after a few weeks I broke my 10 years of absolute silence and shared that I had been having struggles with sexual sin for many years. I felt very vulnerable but also a tremendous amount of relief. For the first time in a very long time I had hope of being free from this crushing burden I carried. I knew this was going to be a new start in my life.

The activity I had been involved in was considered to be low risk, but I decided to go get an HIV test just to remove the question. I still have the image and emotion burned in my mind of sitting in the room at the clinic, hearing that I was HIV positive. My world stopped, frozen in time, with only darkness all around me. I closed my eyes and felt like throwing up. I could see the faces of my wife and children and started to ponder all that it meant for them. I'd destroyed the lives of the people I care about more than anything in this world. I thought about this little phrase I had heard recently – "Sin will always take you farther than you want to go, and demand more than you want to pay." I asked if there could be any mistake and they said that with a positive test results they take it through another process, and it had also come back positive.

That night I felt like I experienced insanity as I tried to sleep, while the horror of my failure and what I had now subjected my family to raced through my mind. I made a choice that I wouldn't consider suicide since I had already caused enough pain for my family, but for the first time in my life I understood how someone could feel that level of despair, and consider that option.

I waited until the next night after our kids went to bed to tell my wife. Her response toward me was much more than I deserved. In the midst of the shock and trauma of processing it, she said that with God's help we would deal with it together. I had hoped for her tolerance of me, but I was amazed at her love and support of me. We started the process of educating ourselves on what this meant for our family.

So many questions. For how long will my wife have a husband, and my young children have a daddy? What about treatment? How easily do I spread it? Have I already infected my wife? What about my kids? We told very few people what was going on, so there was also the contrast of having a huge personal crisis while trying to wear a smile with friends and family. (We didn't need any more crisis' from other's responses.) I did confide in my pastor who made himself available to me and was a great source of hope and support.

The first priority now was to find out if my wife and children were infected. Having done this to myself was one thing but I truly didn't know how I could possibly handle it if I had passed it on to my family. Words can't express the joy and relief I felt to learn they were OK. Thank you God! We wept with joy.

I started attending a sexual brokenness support group, which was a huge source of encouragement to have a group that I could finally be real with, guys who were pursuing God for strength and purity in their own struggle. Now I didn't feel so alone in it all.

The next step for me was to do some more tests to see how healthy my immune system was, so that a strategy for treatment could be decided. My constant prayer during this time was for God to be faithful to my family, even though I had messed things up so badly. I hated thinking about leaving my wife with all the responsibility of raising our kids. I'd heard that medicines and treatment strategies have made great advances. So how many years would I have left? No one can give you those kinds of answers. Will my kids be old enough to care for themselves? Will I have enough time to prepare them for life? Will I see any of them get married, have their own children, or accomplish any of their dreams?

The results from the recent test indicated that I was extremely healthy. The health care worker evaluating my results said not to get my hopes up but suggested that I take the original HIV test again. (She had never encouraged anyone else to retest.) So I went to get tested again, guarding my thoughts and emotions the best I could. At the same time of my testing there was a record-level state lottery up for grabs. I don't play the lottery but my mind drifted away, thinking about what kind of provision that could be for a family without a provider. But then I broke down, thinking that I would gladly turn down millions of dollars for the chance to make all this go away.

When the results came back we hardly knew how to handle it. HIV negative! Again a blur of questions. Can this be true? How can we be sure these results are accurate? What about the first test (which was tested twice)? Did God do a miracle? Whatever it was that happened my life was now better than if I'd won that jackpot lotto.

I really wanted to know what happened, so I met with people from the clinic to try to figure things out. They said that a mistake must have been made, because miracles can't happen.  But as I met with the people in charge of the clinic and reviewed their procedures, I was very impressed with the systems and procedures they had in place to prevent mix ups. This is one of the leading HIV related clinics in the country.

They still had some of the very first sample taken from me, so they retested it and it was still HIV positive. It had been changed into serum so it couldn't be DNA tested, but it was my blood type. The clinic contacted the others who had been tested that day and given a negative result, thinking perhaps the samples got mixed up, and had them retest. But that didn't indicate anything had gone wrong. They had no answers other than the fact that I was indeed HIV negative (and even confirmed it with another test).

So now I live my life with such a sense of a second chance. God answered my prayers for a husband for my wife and a father for my kids. I've got so much more compassion for people going through crisis, even if it's self-inflicted crisis. I hated dragging my wife through this hell, but am grateful and thankful for a deeper sense of closeness and honesty in our relationship.

Did God heal me? I think so. Did God do a miracle? I know so. The miracle of His forgiveness when I am so undeserving. The miracle of a wife who can love me in spite of my failure. The miracle of His daily grace and nearness when crisis hits our lives. The miracle of grace and hope to deal with the struggle of wrong desire that is still in me.

I've got people in my life now who I can be honest with. The support and accountability this brings has made all the difference to walk in victory so far. Having a God who cares about all that we're going through, who never gives up on us, and loves us more than we can know is what gives life fullness and purpose. Thank you God.

Four Years Later
What a journey God has taken me on in the last four years. I am so grateful for the miracle of healing He did in my life - but in all honesty that was only the beginning of much more healing that needed to take place. Facing up to this reality was painful but necessary for recovery. Rebuilding the relationship with my wife and earning her trust again was only possible by her loving and supportive response to me, but the new level of honesty has brought greater intimacy than ever before. Dealing with the same sex attractions and learning about why I had these feelings was probably the most consuming of all. There was much more understanding and strategizing needed than just stopping sinful behavior. That only works for a while, if at all. Getting some help from a support group and/or counselor with expertise in this area is, I believe, imperative to getting and remaining free, as well as progressing into wholeness.

The support group a local ministry offered for guys struggling with this was a Godsend to me. A place to be real and not be rejected is a huge key in finding God's grace and freedom. I've come to learn that many men and women deal with this, but it's a battle that anyone rarely wins on their own. There is so much humiliation and self-hate that keeps us from letting anyone else know about what's going on. But we need the body of Christ to truly move into the freedom and wholeness He has for each of us.

This struggle wants to - and has the power to - define us. The gay community, our culture, and now even some of our churches say, "It's who you are" and "It's OK, why fight it?" But God's word is clear that homosexuality is inconsistent with the Christian lifestyle (Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11). Having same-sex attractions isn't sin - acting on them is. I believe that same-sex attractions come about by a combination of the emotional predispositions of an individual combined with the destructive influences from others (primarily same-sex authority figures).

But I'm here to say that change is possible, and God's intentions for us have the ability to define us as well. Although I still deal with homosexual attractions to some degree, I feel like I am basking in His redemption in such a tangible way now in my life. Where this thing was once a raging forest fire - out of control, ready to consume me - it's now some smoldering embers in the fireplace. For anyone interested in learning more about the issue (and in light of how socially current this issue is, I think it would be good for all of us to understand this more) a book by Joe Dallas called "Desires in Conflict" is the best material I've read. Also for anyone interested in finding help, check out www.exodus-international.org. Exodus is a ministry that networks ministries around the world that help people dealing with same-sex attractions.

My greatest failure and humiliation has been the very thing God has used to reveal a greater depth of His great love, forgiveness, and abiding grace to me. He can do that for you too.
 

--Kept Anonymous


This LDM alumnus served at the ministry for most of the 1980s, a true servant-leader, a pillar, loved and respected by all. It is our prayer that his testimony of struggle and victory over sin will be an encouragement to everyone, especially those who deal with same-sex attractions. Due to the stigma associated with same-sex attractions, he has chosen to withhold his name, but if you're an LDM alumnus who struggles with the same issues and would like to be put in contact with him, feel free to contact the webmaster.

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